It was bound to happen.....

Finally, a decision that didn't come with insecurity! I am firm and settled in my decision to move to Korea! Two dear friends once got me a card that stated how a girl made it in life after crying on the phone, second guessing her decision and almost taking back her words. I thought I had overcome that mountain, molehill, stump, whatever the uphill battle resembles: for once maturity had finally kicked in. I could handle SOMETHING without worrying, obsessing, crying, or denying it. I am an official grown-up! I speak too soon. Humility sure comes back with a vengeance. Tears streamed down my face last night as I admitted my fears about moving to Korea to my roommate while washing dishes. I hate fear; Its power grips me.

I am scared about moving to Korea. There, I said it. I scared myself this week because I didn't WANT to go. I bonded with my students and I wanted to stay and make a difference in Minnesota. Running away to another country wasn't going to allow me to do that. I almost walked into my principal's office to take back my decision, but I stopped myself halfway. I don't want to let fear of the unknown dictate me. I WANT to go overseas, have adventures, struggle with a new language, and learn more about myself in a different environment. I like being challenged stretched in different ways; I just dislike the work and effort it takes!
I turned around. I decided to be a grown-up and not let fear take hold of me. I know what I want and will continue to search for it, even if I do cry and struggle a bit with it. Perhaps THAT is the mature thing to do.

I am still going to Korea. I am still scared and will miss my students, my family, my friends, and the life I have started in Minnesota. But I long for adventure and fear not taking this opportunity even more. That thought makes me want to bang my head against the wall! Perhaps that is the life lesson is to just keep moving and know that God has a plan and all the chips will beautiflly and gracefully fall where he decides. I hope someday it might be in New Zealand. :)

Late Night Ruminations

I love staying up late at night. It's my time to settle down for the day and allow my thoughts jump into reflective overdrive about the day's events or what is to come. Tonight is no exception. It's the night before Easter and I watch the movie Babel with my dad. Many scenes from the movie depict the frenzied and high octane city of Tokyo. A myriad of lights glitter across the skyline of the city; the pulse of the city was beats until dawn. I sit here silently stunned as I envision myself walking into a similar scene when I arrive in Seoul. What will my life be like over there? Why do I feel driven to go somewhere so foreign and obscure from the safety net of home? These questions plague me, consume me, frighten me, delight me, entice me.
I do not understand or even want to understand this magnetic pull to the unknown. The only rationale that brings me any sort of comfort is the gift of connection that come from these types of decisions. I learn and connect with another someone or something in a small yet amazing way. It makes the world feel smaller and less divided in my mind. I take solace and enjoyment in this connection, especially during these dark moments where everything can feel disjointed. I learn to view to this pull as a gift rather than a nomadic curse. As the Tokyo skyline fades into the credits, I looked at the clock. Midnight. Another day closer to the actual start of this adventure. The pull continues to ebb and flow, but my decision is intact. I will movoe to Korea and face the unknown with trepidation and eager anticipation. I wonder what their skyline will look like.